Anatomy of an Iceman

I'm a fairly handsome, young white man with all-American features. I'm shorter than average but have the posture and gait to make up for it. I'm not exactly athletic, nor am I a health food addict, but I do just enough to keep myself in decent shape.

I dress casually and, now that I'm a bit older, somewhat more like a preppy. I like the cuffed shorts, polos, and boat shoes that have replaced my cutoff jeans, sleeveless tees, and flipflops.

I used to be a big smoker but have since all but quit. I'm not a drunk but I do love cocktails, both at home and out. I'm a sucker for a smooth Long Island Iced Tea or tangy margarita. I've never done drugs and doubt I'll ever try.

I have a very large family that I'm neither super close to or awkwardly estranged from, and that includes my immediate family. Aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents stretch out across the nation, from Alaska to South Carolina, Michigan to Texas, but I see the majority of them on a very limited basis. In the last year I've left the city a heavy percentage of my family calls home in an effort to try life out away from them.

I have a boyfriend currently, which as you may have just understood makes me a gay man. We get along great and seem to compliment each others strengths and weaknesses nicely. We're very comfortable around each other and in the year we've been together I don't think either of us have ever felt disrespected, upset, annoyed, or crowded by the other.

My friends are a small, select few. I don't make friends easily and have high expectations for them when I do. Most of these friends live states away from me and over half of them are women. I've never really found a need for “acquaintances”.

At first glance, I may seem awkward and quiet, if not a bit anti-social. Understandable because I am quiet and a bit awkward and anti-social. I have a habit (I won't claim that it's good or bad) of making my mind up about someone within the first ten minutes of meeting them and that includes coworkers, schoolmates, and friends of friends. I suppose I sometimes might even come off as standoffish. This fact doesn't bother me too much.

I grew up in Las Vegas and have a strong affinity for the city and Southwest region of the US as a whole. I find the desert beautiful and mysterious, seductive and strong. This is not to say I dislike the rest of the nation though, since I have lived in a few places. I love the thunderstorms of the Midwest, the fog and mist of the Pacific Northwest, and the coastal SoCal breezes just as much as my native desert heat. I can pass on encountering any large amounts of snow.

As I said, I'm not particularly athletic or restrictive when it comes to dieting, but I am in pretty good health and rarely get sick. When I do, my body has always managed to kick the illness within 24 hours. For such a strong immune system, I credit myself for not popping every over the counter medication I can get my hands on like most people these days seem to do.

I like country music and classic rock, but listen to many genres, including pop and musicals.

I love reading and watching comedy and horror movies.

I play the occasional video game and watch football when the season comes around.

I love nature equally as much as I love the comforts of the big city.

I enjoy traveling, but so far only at a national level. I don't feel the urge to go discover some foreign country when there are still so many great things to see in my own. Currently I've only visited half of the places I want to in America.

I'd say I'm artistic but that might be a stretch. I'm pretty terrible at painting but think I do well enough when it comes to writing (hence the blog) and consider that my most used artistic outlet.

I don't really love cooking but I'm a natural at it. I get more out of people's reactions to what I've made rather than a sense of accomplishment from having made it to begin with.

I love animals and don't think I could ever live life without some kind of pet. Right now I have an elderly dog that I've had since I was a teenager.

And... I suppose in a nutshell, that's me.

At least, that's the me that anyone could attest to. The me that I've projected out into the world for everyone to see.

But it's not the whole me.

Not by a long shot.

I know what you're thinking. No one ever reveals their whole self. No one truly knows anyone else, that's just an impossibility. And you're right. There is no absolute way to know another person on the same level as they know themselves. But you'd be wrong in assuming that I'm like most people.

The secrets most people keep, while shocking and maybe even taboo to those around them, usually aren't enough to cause turbulence in the lives of their friends and family. So John gets turned on from watching extreme bondage porn; unusual but not as disturbing as some alternatives that are out there. And maybe Mary had a secret abortion she never told anyone about and that's why she cries at night. That's something that can be reasoned and understood. And so Daddy was a conman who swindled people to afford a nice house in the suburbs; money does strange things to people. It might be criminal, but it doesn't make him a monster, or any less loving towards his children?

But what if the secret self being hidden is none of these things? What if it's not reasonable or understandable? What if it goes beyond unusual and ventures into frightening or macabre?

Take for instance myself.

Everything you read about me above is true... at least it would appear to be. Ask any of my friends or family and they could attest to the truthfulness of the statements. But what if I told you right now that some of them were just parts of an act I put on because they completed the idea of who I wanted them to know? Example: I could actually care less about football, but because a lot of my friends and family are into it, I watch and root for my carefully selected team in an attempt to blend in with them. It also helps whenever I want to chat up a straight guy at a sports bar or house party.

It might not seem like much, especially compared to Daddy the Conman or John the Bondage Freak, but it's just one example and barely scratches the surface of the secret self I conceal.

For reasons I still don't understand myself, I've lately felt the desire to finally expose that self, even through this shadow of online anonymity. It's not about guilt or confusion of identity, but rather just a need to express who I am with limited repercussions or consequence. And maybe in the process I'll learn a bit more about myself than I already do.

So, if you feel interested enough to find out what kind of person I really am, there's nothing to do.

Just read on.

To start with, I'm a liar.

A huge one.

I've lied since I was a child and have never stopped. Small lies, white lies, mean lies, omissions, destructive fibs. I've said them all and still do on a regular basis. The reasoning always changes, but a lot of the time I do it just because I can.

I also cheat, manipulate, threaten, blackmail, connive, exaggerate, sabotage and extort.

I've never been charged with any crime, but I'm a criminal by many degrees. If I had been caught and convicted, my rap sheet would include theft, burglary, mail tampering, destruction of property, arson, prostitution, indecent exposure, drug possession and sales, assault, and probably a few others I can't recall off the top of my head.

I'm sexist, racist, and discriminatory on plenty of other levels. If I'm constantly thankful for anything it is being born into this world a white male from a middle class family and yes, I know exactly how that sounds and no, I don't really care.

I'm not exactly anti-social, by definition of the word, but I do find it hard to connect with people because I don't think or rationalize things like the general populace does. And while not heartless, the emotions I experience are skewed and set differently than the people I encounter on a daily basis. It proves very difficult to try and connect with people when you don't input worldly information in the same way.

That doesn't go to say I don't hate people though...

Actually, I do.

I think the majority of people are stupid, petty, ignorant, and inferior to me in many ways. I honestly believe some people should be sterilized and I think executions in the nation are too few and far between.

In daily interactions with people, I find that I often have to suppress extreme feelings of hatred or rage. Sometimes I get so lost in violent thoughts that I space out and grind my teeth. Twice I have come close to physically attacking someone in public (both times in my workplace), but have been able to restrain myself at the last possible moment. I know and understand that I am very capable of committing murder, though I feel confident enough in saying that I don't think I'll ever encounter a situation that would lead up to such a conclusion.

I mean, fuck, if it hasn't happened yet...

I have always been fascinated by violence and death. Most will know of my macabre tastes by the collection of horror DVDs that I own, but it goes far beyond that. Online, I actively search out violent videos to watch, including street fights and scenes from war torn nations, but I've also watched footage of gangland murders and video/picture evidence left behind by the world's serial killers. I do draw the line when it comes to anything involving children or animals though. Children I view as untainted and salvageable and animals are simply innocent creatures in my eyes.

As I said, I do experience emotions but not in the same ways as everyone else. I don't place much value on, or forge strong emotional attachments to, people, places, or things.

I'm obviously arrogant and egotistical. This is because I rarely open my mouth unless I'm either a) certain I'm right or b) don't care enough about being wrong. When anyone complains about their issues or situations in life, whether they came to me for advice or not, I tend to give it and it's rarely pretty. It's alienated me from siblings and friends and I never feel bad for doing it.

I call people out when I feel like they're living life poorly. I don't like adults who act like they're college kids and I don't like people who pop babies out like they're a Pez dispenser. I hate most people living off any government aid, which also includes people in my family, and I don't hesitate in calling them leeches.

I avoid my family a lot of the time. Not because I hate them but because their average human natures irritate me. It's hard for me to relate to them and their complaints or concerns about life, so when there's a long holiday weekend when everyone wants to get together, I try and opt out. If I do end up joining, I pass the time usually with alcohol and a book.

I do love (I will explain how I experience positive emotions later on at some point, at length) most of the people I have in my life right now, but if they suddenly decided they'd be better off without me in theirs I wouldn't shed a tear. It's happened to me before and I expect it to happen again. I'll feel no longing for them, or shame at having lost them. If anything I'd probably just grow angry and vengeful towards them.

Speaking of vengeance, I actively pluck every opportunity for revenge from the tree of life. I'm a very vindictive guy and can hold grudges for years. Ask my exes.

Another fascination I have is with watching others fail, struggle, or get set back. I don't know why really, but it always gives me a thrill watching how easy someone's life can be upset because they allow it to be. I suppose if I can give any reason it's that I'm drawn to their plight because they experience certain events like an average emotional person should/would, whereas I couldn't/wouldn't under the same pressure.

Sometimes, I purposely intervene in the lives of my coworkers, peers, or even strangers for a chance to watch them squirm. I've deleted important work folios. I've talked about someone's recent bad breakup in public. I've claimed to know that someone is stealing. I know that doing these things is wrong, but I am never deterred from doing them. Not by consequence, not by morals.

In short, I'm a psychopath. Use whatever definition of the word you want but I'd say I fit it easily. A cold, stoic block of ice in a world of full of fiery, emotionally driven people.

But I'm still a person too.

I'm still human.

I'm just a different kind.