It's Just Emotions

One of the main things people misconceive about the socio/psycho community is that we are all emotionless, hollow serial killers. It may make sense, considering the images and characters that have often been attributed to the words, both real and fictional. The Joker, Dahmer, Dexter, Aileen Wuornos.

But the exact opposite is true. 

These kinds of people do feel and experience emotions, they just do it very differently than everyone else.

Below, I'm going to list some major emotions and try my best to explain how I encounter, experience, and exhibit them as a self-identifying socio. It won't be how every psycho/socio feels about them, as there seem to be vast differences between even sociopathic people (habitual criminal vs. a serial killer, for instance) but I assume it will be close enough for you to get a general idea.

HATE: Hate is easy, as are most “negative” emotions. Greed, jealousy, anger, disgust. The world widely acknowledges these emotions as “negative” because, let's face it, not many positive things come from them. But it seems easier for most socios/psychos to experience, as opposed to most “positive” emotions. I can't say why this is, but I can say that the idea behind hate and those similar emotions aren't very far from your own. If there's any difference between me and the normal person, it's probably that my experiences of hate and envy are just more amplified and common.

ENVY/JELOUSY/GREED: Socios/psychos experience this often, I believe. I know I do. I'm constantly disgusted at the fact that some people have access to things I do not. Parent paid college educations. Inheritances. Nice homes and fancy cars. Wild vacations. I hate seeing people I consider “beneath me”, having these things while I go without, which in turn often causes me to lash out in an attempt to gain them.

Stealing, conning, cheating. I've done plenty of things in order to get things I believe are either owed to me or that I should just rightly have. Doesn't matter if it's the free drink I stole off the bar counter or if it's the vacation time request of a coworker that I ripped up so that I could take the holiday off instead.

SADNESS: I don't really get sad. When a situation comes up and the expected emotion should be sad or upset, I'm usually just frustrated by it. My homeless cousin not having been in touch with anyone for over a week? Frustrating to me, despite everyone else feeling sympathetic and helpless about the issue.

Sometimes I go far beyond frustrated and become upset. Upset at whatever caused the situation and that my mood has been altered by external forces. Like when my good friend's boyfriend broke up with her in a cruel way. I had little sympathy for her and found it hard to console her. Rather, I was just pissed off at the guy for being so tactless and causing my friend to cry. I feel like a normal friend would have done everything they could have to make her feel better and get her mind off things, whereas I just wanted to smash his car windows in retaliation for my own discomfort.

ANGER: I find the difference between anger and hate to be vast, which I assume most people would. I hate a lot of things in life, but a lot more makes me angry. And while hate is deep rooted and continual, I find anger to be sudden and explosive. I experience it mostly when I interact with people in life who are rude, ignorant, or argumentative towards me.

Probably once or twice a month I find myself getting so angry at something or someone that I get red in the face and clench my teeth. Then, depending on the severity of the situation of course, I'm fine two hours later and barely able to even remember the whole ordeal. Anger, to me, comes and goes quickly.

FEAR: I'm not afraid of too much. I jump when a horror movie shocks you with a killer behind the door, but that's surprise, not fear. Some of my friends think I'm afraid of things like heights or drowning, but that's not true. I just have an intense desire to avoid any personal injury and could give a shit less about scuba diving. Yes, rock climbing isn't widely known as the deadliest pastime in the world, but it's not exactly the safest either. Personally, I just don't see any reason or justification for the risk. I get my kicks in different ways. Ways that probably can't end with a broken leg. (Sidenote: Risk is an attribute usually placed on sociopaths more so than psychopaths. Socios take risks often which is usually what leads to their criminal activities and rap sheets.)

I don't fear war coming to America or getting lost in the inner city. I would avoid the possibility of both, if I had a hand in it, but I'm not afraid of it happening. I suppose to feel fear, I'd have to experience something in the moment, rather than fear the possibility of it happening.

So today, since I've never been to war and I've never been surrounded by gangbangers downtown, I can't recall every really experiencing fear... which is kind of surprising.

I actually want to thing longer about this emotion and find out what the closest to fear is I've ever come. Please stand by.

LOVE: Easily the most confusing emotion I experience. Enough so, that I'll dedicate my next blog post to it. Don't want to tire your eyes.

HAPPINESS: I have a hard time considering myself happy. Happy is an emotion, in my eyes at least, reserved for when your life is really great and fulfilling. Happy comes after content and I'd have to say that “content” sums up my life as a whole right now.

If you ask about moments of happiness, then sure, I've felt those. I've have good nights with my boyfriend and my dog is so funny sometimes I can't help but laugh, but happiness has always seemed like a long term emotion to me.

EXCITEMENT: Things I get excited for: desserts, vacations, masturbation, new liquor, getting revenge on someone, being the center of attention, flirting with strangers, random sex, scary movies, Halloween, Christmas. I feel excited a lot. I'm easily excitable, though I probably don't ever seem like it. I get excited on the inside and let it stay there like a secret. Is that weird?