LOVE

I am capable of love. I do love, every day.

I love being alive. I'm never suicidal or ungrateful for my life.

I love my dog. I love my family and friends. I love Las Vegas and New Orleans and Los Angeles. But I'd be lying if I say I love them all like anyone else might. Anyone “normal” that is.

I love my friends because they make me laugh and they're there for me when I care enough to be around people. I've invested time in them and consider it an accomplishment that I've approved of their being in my life. They have raunchy humor like I do, looser morals than most, are understanding of modern America and youth culture, and they're sarcastic and sometimes mean... I like that about them and like having people like that around me.

My friends are what I need when I'm so sick and tired of people that I need to vent outwardly about them to people I'm not sick and tired of. It's nice to have others to bitch about life and other people with.

I love my friends because they've invested time in me and we have, without words, made a pact to be there for one another until, if ever, our friendship runs its course. It's nice having a group of people by my side when I need them. And because I know that they're there for me, I in turn don't mind being there for them when they need me. Even I can understand that most things in life only come with some give and take.

When it comes to family, the same mostly applies. My family has a strong bond and places great value on always being there for one another, through good times and bad. I like that. It's comforting and reassuring.

I like the routine family brings too, to my otherwise unstable mind. I like the small holiday traditions and family reunions. I know what to expect from everyone and they of me. My family has either watched me grow or has grown with me, so to them I've never been any other way. They're accepting of who I am, even if I've never out-rightly stated that I'm a self-identifying sociopath.

I love my family because I know that they'll always give me shelter and food when I need it. I know that because of them, I'll never go without, and that knowledge also comforts me. It's selfish, yes, but the truth.

Of course, I just as easily consider most of these people as replaceable property. I don't expect most of my friendships to last forever and I know, by past experience, that I am capable of breaking ties with family. But that doesn't matter to me right now, because until those relationships break, they're mine.

She's my sister. My mother.

They're my friends, not yours.

I love them all, but from a very possessive and selfish perspective. They provide me with things like comfort, laughter, material goods, company, and excitement. I do my best to offer the same, out of respect, though I know I don't always.

Rereading now, I can see how it actually may not seem all that different from how anyone else might love. Most people can say that their family and friends comfort them and give them joy. Most people know their families will help them out in bad times.

Perhaps two sentences can make my stance more clear.

YOU: I love my mother because she's generous and warm and will always be there for me no matter what. She's the best mother anyone could ask for.

ME: I love my mother because I know what to expect from her; a constant safe space, help if needed, routine if desired, and because she's my warm and loving mother, not yours.

So yes, I do say I love you to certain people in my life, because I do. I may sometimes use them or feign interest in their lives, or I might actively not be there for them when I know they're going through a difficult time, but I do love them.

In my own way.

It's Just Emotions

One of the main things people misconceive about the socio/psycho community is that we are all emotionless, hollow serial killers. It may make sense, considering the images and characters that have often been attributed to the words, both real and fictional. The Joker, Dahmer, Dexter, Aileen Wuornos.

But the exact opposite is true. 

These kinds of people do feel and experience emotions, they just do it very differently than everyone else.

Below, I'm going to list some major emotions and try my best to explain how I encounter, experience, and exhibit them as a self-identifying socio. It won't be how every psycho/socio feels about them, as there seem to be vast differences between even sociopathic people (habitual criminal vs. a serial killer, for instance) but I assume it will be close enough for you to get a general idea.

HATE: Hate is easy, as are most “negative” emotions. Greed, jealousy, anger, disgust. The world widely acknowledges these emotions as “negative” because, let's face it, not many positive things come from them. But it seems easier for most socios/psychos to experience, as opposed to most “positive” emotions. I can't say why this is, but I can say that the idea behind hate and those similar emotions aren't very far from your own. If there's any difference between me and the normal person, it's probably that my experiences of hate and envy are just more amplified and common.

ENVY/JELOUSY/GREED: Socios/psychos experience this often, I believe. I know I do. I'm constantly disgusted at the fact that some people have access to things I do not. Parent paid college educations. Inheritances. Nice homes and fancy cars. Wild vacations. I hate seeing people I consider “beneath me”, having these things while I go without, which in turn often causes me to lash out in an attempt to gain them.

Stealing, conning, cheating. I've done plenty of things in order to get things I believe are either owed to me or that I should just rightly have. Doesn't matter if it's the free drink I stole off the bar counter or if it's the vacation time request of a coworker that I ripped up so that I could take the holiday off instead.

SADNESS: I don't really get sad. When a situation comes up and the expected emotion should be sad or upset, I'm usually just frustrated by it. My homeless cousin not having been in touch with anyone for over a week? Frustrating to me, despite everyone else feeling sympathetic and helpless about the issue.

Sometimes I go far beyond frustrated and become upset. Upset at whatever caused the situation and that my mood has been altered by external forces. Like when my good friend's boyfriend broke up with her in a cruel way. I had little sympathy for her and found it hard to console her. Rather, I was just pissed off at the guy for being so tactless and causing my friend to cry. I feel like a normal friend would have done everything they could have to make her feel better and get her mind off things, whereas I just wanted to smash his car windows in retaliation for my own discomfort.

ANGER: I find the difference between anger and hate to be vast, which I assume most people would. I hate a lot of things in life, but a lot more makes me angry. And while hate is deep rooted and continual, I find anger to be sudden and explosive. I experience it mostly when I interact with people in life who are rude, ignorant, or argumentative towards me.

Probably once or twice a month I find myself getting so angry at something or someone that I get red in the face and clench my teeth. Then, depending on the severity of the situation of course, I'm fine two hours later and barely able to even remember the whole ordeal. Anger, to me, comes and goes quickly.

FEAR: I'm not afraid of too much. I jump when a horror movie shocks you with a killer behind the door, but that's surprise, not fear. Some of my friends think I'm afraid of things like heights or drowning, but that's not true. I just have an intense desire to avoid any personal injury and could give a shit less about scuba diving. Yes, rock climbing isn't widely known as the deadliest pastime in the world, but it's not exactly the safest either. Personally, I just don't see any reason or justification for the risk. I get my kicks in different ways. Ways that probably can't end with a broken leg. (Sidenote: Risk is an attribute usually placed on sociopaths more so than psychopaths. Socios take risks often which is usually what leads to their criminal activities and rap sheets.)

I don't fear war coming to America or getting lost in the inner city. I would avoid the possibility of both, if I had a hand in it, but I'm not afraid of it happening. I suppose to feel fear, I'd have to experience something in the moment, rather than fear the possibility of it happening.

So today, since I've never been to war and I've never been surrounded by gangbangers downtown, I can't recall every really experiencing fear... which is kind of surprising.

I actually want to thing longer about this emotion and find out what the closest to fear is I've ever come. Please stand by.

LOVE: Easily the most confusing emotion I experience. Enough so, that I'll dedicate my next blog post to it. Don't want to tire your eyes.

HAPPINESS: I have a hard time considering myself happy. Happy is an emotion, in my eyes at least, reserved for when your life is really great and fulfilling. Happy comes after content and I'd have to say that “content” sums up my life as a whole right now.

If you ask about moments of happiness, then sure, I've felt those. I've have good nights with my boyfriend and my dog is so funny sometimes I can't help but laugh, but happiness has always seemed like a long term emotion to me.

EXCITEMENT: Things I get excited for: desserts, vacations, masturbation, new liquor, getting revenge on someone, being the center of attention, flirting with strangers, random sex, scary movies, Halloween, Christmas. I feel excited a lot. I'm easily excitable, though I probably don't ever seem like it. I get excited on the inside and let it stay there like a secret. Is that weird?